Tag Archives: schwarzenegger

Misery Loves Company! (Dec. 2)

SchwarziSigns

At a recent press conference, the Governator attempts to kill a nosy reporter with his optical death ray.

California Has Highest Unemployment Rates in Nation (Almost, But Who Cares About Rhode Island?)

Statewide unemployment rocketted to  8.2 percent in October, a 14-year high. Only Michigan and Rhode Island, both considerably cheaper and known as the Kmart of states, had higher joblessness, both at 9.3 percent. Our illustrious EDD showed a loss of 26,400 jobs last month. And the worst part . . .

Governator Says We Don’t Have Money, So Please Work at 7-11 Already

Gov. Schwarzenegger declared his 143rd “state of emergency” this year, this time writing in “Fiscal” in front of the emergency press release,  in hopes of getting a federal bailout. But since he doesn’t own a bank and isn’t an automaker, the old action hero may be out of luck — and the state’s running out of money to pay for unemployment benefits, so says the North County Times – if you believe what someone from Escondido says, that is.

J.P. Morgan Chase Tells WaMu Workers, “Woo Hoo! You’re Laid Off!”

Chase lays off 21 percent of WaMu employees, about 1,600 in the Bay Area that will celebrate Spring by being unemployed. Enjoy the empty Easter baskets, kids, Chase killed the Easter Bunny!

Continue reading

Misery Loves Company! (Nov. 3, 2008)

shasta

Shasta Regional Medical Center Lays Off 150, Vow to Drink Pepsi Instead

“Because Shasta was always an off-brand, it was always hard to get people to come to our hospital,” said CEO McGinty McHMO. “They always wanted to go to Coca-Cola General or Our Lady of Perpetual Pepsi.”

CVS Takes Over Longs Drug, Lay Offs/Closures Begin, Addicts Pissed

About 800 workers will be laid off in Walnut Creek and Antioch, Calif., where workers are feverishly using their employee discounts to buy tons of Sudafed to cook up meth while out-of-work.

Continue reading

Misery Loves Company (Sept. 6)

Unemployment Rises, Wrong USF Business Professor Acts Like His Prediction Was Right

schwarzenegger

.

“The unemployment numbers are consistently coming in higher that expected,” said Jon B. Fisher, an adjunct professor at USF who previously led three Silicon Valley start-ups — so obviously he should know all about unemployment.

Governor Fires Students and Keeps Cal Grant Money

Gov. Schwarzenegger decides to slash student jobs and Cal Grants to balance the stalled budget, in hopes that between hooking up and smoking weed college students wouldn’t notice.

Fresno County Releases 800 Prisoners and Lays Off 50 to Save Money

Obviously public safety is a drain on upper management, so Sheriff Margaret Mims decided to make it easier on herself and those higher-ups. Unfortunately the prisoners then proceeded to steal the county jail.

Families Overwhelm County Buildings for . . . for these weird things called books and CDs?!?

Archaeologists have uncovered odd buildings in many cities and counties call “libraries,” an ancient temple for things called “books” and “CDs.”

“I hear that they were kind of like iPods but held, like, only six or seven songs,” said Brittnei McJobs. “They’re kind of weird.” McJobs had no recollection of anything called a book.