Tag Archives: Doritos

Misery Loves Company (Aug. 11)

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Shutterfly closes Hayward facility, swats more than 100 jobs away

Shutterfly flew too close to the bugzapper of death, at least in Hayward, and is moving to Phoenix, where shutterflies apparently roam free.

Queen of the Valley in Napa Lays Off 81 of its Subjects

The hospital plans to cut costs by having patients act as their own nurse and do rotating bedpan cleaning and IV refreshing.

DMV to Eliminate Saturday Service, Gov. Nixes Plan to Find Eighth-Graders to Work for Doritos

“As it turned out, the ethanol boom has created very, very expensive corn snacks,” the governor said. “Doritos, as it turns out, are more than we can afford. Instead, we will use generic ‘flavored tortilla chips.’”

Office Depot Drops New Stores, No One Notices

Office Depot initially had 75 stores to open this year and has since lowered that number to 15, getting rid of 60 stores by painstakingly soaking them with 2 million bottles of its 99-cent multipurpose correction fluid.

Misery Loves Company, Aug. 5

kiddoritosSF Chronicle to Lay Off 125, Stories to be Written by Ninth-Graders

When asked, publisher Frank Vega said, “Why ninth-graders? Because they work for Doritos!”

Hewlett-Packard Plan to Lay Off 300 in Pacific Northwest, Printer Test Pages Now Say, “%$#& you, HP!”

The printer giant hopes to outsource jobs to India. Translations for “%$#& you, HP!” made available.

MDRNA Lays Off 30 Percent, Including Company President Who Thought They Were Joking

“Good one, Jim!” Gordon Brandt said when told.

Indian Retailers Lay Off “Non-Performing” Senior Executives, U.S. Counterparts Look Up “Non-Performing”

“That’s ludicrous!” said McGinty McCashcow, a $28-million-a-year CEO whose company has lost $200 million this year so far. “Executives are paid for their expertise, their golf game, their liquid lunches and private clubs. Using performance is completely arbitrary.”