The Laid-Off Journal

Mattel Cuts 1,000 Jobs, Barbie Plans to Go Back to College and Get Her Master’s

Toy maker Mattel said Thursday it’s cutting 1,000 positions worldwide. Barbie will now work on her master’s degree in French literature while Tickle Me Extreme Elmo begins his career in furry porn. 

 Maxim Integrated Products Closes San Jose Facility, Scantily-Clad Starlets Laid Off

Maxim Integrated Products will probably close its San Jose, Calif. and Dallas fabrication facilities after its titillating articles and hot photo shoots failed to bring more profits in the third-quarter.

Fidelity Investments Breaks Vow with 1,300 Employees, They File for Breach of Promise

Fidelity left 1,300 employees at the altar, leaving them to pay the caterer and tell everyone else to go home. What a bastard!

Record Searchlight Lays Off 12, No Longer Searching

“I know it says searchlight in our title, but really it’s more of ’search-for-us-light,” said Editor Winky McInk.